Posted by lightdozer on April 11, 2006 at 09:18:55:

I am a relative newlywed, about two months now. My husband and I are both in our early 40s.

I've always been a light sleeper but didn't realize how much so until now. I've lived alone for the past decade so didn't give it much thought. However, my husband snores – very loudly – along with the gasping/choking that seems indicative of sleep apnea. Every snore and loud gasp wakes me. He also flails and thrashes around, and often I am hit, kicked, or shoved – once I was punched in the face, another time elbowed in the back, so hard it bruised. I know he doesn't do this on purpose (when he's not thrashing he sleeps like the dead, I can't even roll him over) and he doesn't remember these incidents in the morning but it's still upsetting to me. He rips up the covers every night (and here I can't stand to even have my bare feet sticking out!) To top it all off he crowds me right to the edge of the bed, sometimes I can't even keep both legs in bed, one has to stay on the ground bracing me up just to keep me from rolling off the edge.

I felt awful complaining about it, but the sleep dep was getting to the point I was very irritable and almost dysfunctional at work. He readily agreed to have a sleep study, so we have that scheduled now, but it's still some weeks away.

In the meantime we've compromised. During the workweek, because I have to get up at 4:30 a.m., he sleeps on the couch. On the weekends either we sleep together or I sleep on the couch (usually the latter ends up the case even if we start out together, due to the snoring and his restlessness.)

However, my fear is that even if his problem is diagnosed as sleep apnea, and he's issued a CPAP machine, I still won't be getting much if any sleep. I anticipate the noise from the machine will surely keep me awake (I can't even bear the sound of a ticking clock in a room.) And I doubt CPAP will solve his restlessness or the crowding/kicking/punching problem.

We've bought a new house and begun the process of decorating. There are several bedrooms. Initially I had planned to decorate the master bedroom for us both, but now I'm wondering if we shouldn't consider separate rooms from the outset. I know other people will consider it weird or unnatural for married people to sleep apart, but in some ways I feel it's my sanity at stake. I find myself growing increasingly resentful and just looking in my bleary, bloodshot eyes in the mirror each day seems to punctuate the fact this current arrangement isn't working.

Hubby thinks getting a king-sized mattress and/or Tempurpedic will magically fix issues. I know from prior experience in hotels that he crowds me just as badly on a bigger bed. We tested the Tempurpedic in stores and frankly to me it felt like a brick. I don't think I could stand to sleep on it and the price is outrageous just to be uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and what you may have tried that may have worked. Or if some of you endorse separate rooms, please advise how to integrate this successfully into a marriage without building invisible walls to go along with the real ones.

Thanks for any help.

Follow Ups:

• Re: My marriage or my sanity learningaboutSA 12:19 4/12/06 (0)
• Re: My marriage or my sanity BreathingEZ 07:30 4/12/06 (0)
• Re: My marriage or my sanity tomjax 11:44 4/11/06 (0)
• Re: My marriage or my sanity mdp 11:13 4/11/06 (2)
  • Re: My marriage or my sanity annakarenina 15:29 4/11/06 (1)
    • Re: My marriage or my sanity D.H. 03:05 4/12/06 (0)

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