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How to rebuild a life post-apnea?

Posted by Gearhead on April 17, 2002 at 18:27:20:

This is my first posting to the forum. I’ve chosen “Gearhead” as my nom de guerre because I like cars.

I apologize in advance for the length, but this is the first opportunity I’ve had to really divulge my experiences. I’m hoping that I’m not the only one who’s gone through stuff like this.

I am a married, 39-year-old professional. I’ve recently been diagnosed with apnea, and am awaiting the next steps, with C-PAP or whatever.

I’m curious to hear people’s experiences with the emotional side of apnea – specifically, how they have rebuilt their lives after all the damage that this “sleep thing” causes. Right now, I am feeling an enormous amount of anger and frustration over time and opportunities lost.

I think honestly that I have had this probably all my life – I can even recall being self-conscious about all my yawning during the pledge of allegiance when I was in 1st grade!! I have spent many years since then experiencing a lot of depression, anxiety, and of course an enormous and increasing amount of fatigue.

I am bitter about the impact this has had on my friendships (I’ve lost touch with so many people it’s ridiculous, and I hardly socialize any more), my career (I am so far from my career expectations I’m embarrassed to even talk to people I went to grad school with), and my family relationships.

It’s stressed my relationship with my wife (although she has been my saviour – I still can’t believe how understanding, loving and supportive she is), and my parents. For years, I could hardly utter a single positive word on the phone to my parents, and I’ve visited them less and less. I regret this horribly as they are getting older and older and I’ve lost so much time with them . . .

Once I was highly motivated and ambitious, and actually had some self-esteem. I did well educationally, and ended up getting 2 graduate degrees from renowned universities. At one time, I had a social life and I was in good shape. I ran 10-K’s. I had even belonged to a master’s swim team once for a couple of years, and did competitive distance swimming (I wasn’t fast, but I managed to finish, which is what counts). I had high expectations of myself.

Nonetheless, I noticed, even when I was back in college 20 years ago, that I was not as energetic as others. I berated myself for being able to handle only 4 courses at a time, when most people I knew took 5. I underlined textbooks like crazy in order to concentrate and understand them; sometimes I even retyped parts of textbooks in order to drill the lessons into my brain. I didn’t do that many extracurricular activities.

When I started working, come the early afternoon, I would feel pretty drowsy. I also found it increasingly hard to show up to work on time. I compensated by getting into the habit of working very late and on weekends, on a regular basis. On weekends I would sleep very late; sometimes I spent the whole weekend in bed. Depression was a companion, off and on.

I had a bad experience on my first job, and quit after about 6 months. I spent 3 or so months unemployed at my parents’ while looking for work – and most of this time I spent in bed, tired and very depressed. I can hardly remember this time; it’s as if I was on drugs (although I wasn’t).

I did manage to get myself together ultimately, worked for a few years, got in shape, then decided to go back for another degree. About 11 years ago, when I started on my second master’s program, I began feeling very tired and started getting some massive headaches. I went for my first sleep study at that time. Although I recall clearly that the results indicated that I was waking up repeatedly – something like 70-80 times – I was not diagnosed with apnea at that time. Instead, I was prescribed 25mg of elovil to take before bed, which I have done faithfully ever since. In retrospect, I believe that I was misdiagnosed, because things have gotten worse since then.

Out of school, I took a highly ambitious, well-paying and stressful job, filled with frequent deadlines, long hours, constant travel and unpleasant superiors. I got out of shape very quickly, got onto a diet of rich hotel food and junk food (rationalizing it by saying that this is only temporary until the deadline is over). I became more and more tired, less and less active, and found that it was more and more difficult to think clearly. My depression came back, and my anxiety level absolutely skyrocketed. My work efficiency plummeted.

At the end of a typical week, I would find that I had not accomplished what I needed to, with a deadline looming the following week. So Saturday, I would decompress, and do all the home stuff I had neglected during the week – laundry, dry cleaning, bills, etc., etc.. Sunday, it was back to the office with trepidation to try and accomplish an impossible amount of work before Monday. On these Sundays, I often would be so tired and stressed out that I would lie down on the floor of my office and just fall asleep. Every so often I would wake up in a cold sweat with my heart racing, insanely aware of the approaching deadline. Great way to spend the weekend! This was literally my routine for years.

Ultimately, I got laid off (or fired, take your pick). I spent the next 5 months in a total haze, completely depressed and sleeping until 4 in the afternoon, then staying out until 1:00 a.m. I was driving my wife (then girlfriend) crazy. For the first time, I tried antidepressants, but they didn’t do that much for me, except produce unpleasant side effects.

Somehow or other I managed to get myself another job – at another stressful place filled with deadlines and travel – for less money. The nature of the work itself attracted me, however. At first, I was very enthusiastic and worked hard, and did reasonably well.

However, I quickly got back into the workaholic nights and weekends routine, though (which of course plays havoc on your social life and everything else). And, over time, I started getting more and more tired, depressed, and my anxiety level inexorably increased.

I kind of convinced myself that the “sleep thing” was caused by my depression or my atrocious work habits, and that it was really all my fault. After all, most people I knew were never this tired; most people could get up early in the morning with no problem. Look at Bill Clinton! He needed only 5 hours sleep a night. Or the notorious Ivan Boesky, who I recall used to brag about needing only 2 hours sleep at night (or was it Michael Milken?).

Nonetheless, I did make a second visit to a sleep clinic about 4 years ago, and met with a doctor there who more or less told me that my problem was my stressful lifestyle, and that I’d be a lot better off if I found something a lot more laid back to do. Nothing about a possible apnea; he told me that an overnight sleep study probably wasn’t necessary. Misdiagnosis #2. I left, and didn’t follow up, getting back into the day-to-day crisis mode of my job and letting that take precedence over everything else.

Things have only gotten worse since then, and particularly during the last 2 or so years. I’ve found my motivation at work falling off dramatically, my work efficiency and productivity plummeting again, more and more things left undone – and that’s only at work!! I seem to be getting hung up on details at work and missing the "big picture." There’s been no time or energy left over to take care of stuff at home, much less spend quality time with my wife or get together with friends.

I’ve been having really vivid, unsettling nightmares nearly every night. When I wake up, the dreams are still with me. I’m anxious as hell when I wake up, and it takes a superhuman effort just to get out of bed. I’m late to work almost every day, but I still compensate with the late nights and weekends thing, although lately my energy level is so low that I’m virtually no good after 5 p.m., and if I come in on the weekends, the most I can get myself to do is surf the ‘net or read a trade magazine. If I don’t come in on the weekends, it’s laundry (maybe), dry cleaning, house stuff, shopping, only in slow motion. A lot of stuff just is left undone. Great life!

My wife and I started seeing a counselor together a few years ago. She was astounded when I told her that I would typically work until I had no energy left to do anything else. I’ve seen a series of therapists myself over the years to try and cope with the depression and anxiety, but with little in the way of lasting results. I went on meds again a few years ago for awhile, and again, very little to show for it.

I logged 10 major overseas trips last year for work and my most major recollection of 2001, other than Sept. 11, is of being perpetually jet-lagged – whether abroad or at home. I’ve grown disillusioned with my job and feel ashamed about my performance on the job, but I have found it difficult to lift a finger to try to move on to something better (and with my work history, I’m cynical that something “better” even exists for me). Nonetheless, I’m fearful of losing this job as well.

Wrestling with the “chicken-and-egg” conundrum – is it depression causing fatigue, or fatigue causing depression? – I finally got myself to go to a sleep clinic early this year (had to wait 3 months for an appointment, but that’s another story). About a month ago, I got confirmation that I’ve got apnea, recently had the C-PAP titration test, and am awaiting the next steps.

My one saving grace has without a doubt been my wife, who has not only put up with me (I don’t know anyone else who would), she continues to love me very much, and I love her like crazy. She is incredible, I don’t know how I can deserve such a companion. If I didn’t have her, I don’t know where I’d be now. She’s expecting a child soon, which excites me, but scares me too: if I can hardly cope with my own life, how can I possibly take care of another? I don’t want to be this depressed, stressed out zombie after my child is born.

So here I am. Part of me is filled with anticipation that my life may hopefully change for the better. But I’m in this bizarre kind of limbo right now, where everything seems to be chaos, at work, at home, financially.

I’d like to know: how do you go about rebuilding your life after all of this? Is it even possible? Can you catch up? Will things get better? Is it too late?

OK, sorry again about the length, but any feedback or thoughts would be appreciated. I’d just like to know that I’m not alone, that would be helpful in itself.


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  • Sleep Deprivation due to Sleep Apnea and insufficient sleep are common and can present as insomnia, narcolepsy, or idiopathic hypersomnia. In infants and children sleep problems commonly present themselves as ADD or ADHD.


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