Insomnia Forum Posting

Posted by Heidi on January 28, 2003 at 19:29:01:

In Reply to: Heidi - EMDR posted by A-B on January 28, 2003 at 07:23:17:

Hi, A-B!

You're right about what you say. It is hard to share here in detail,and I feel like it goes in snatches. I wish it was not illegal to share email addresses because it would work better, especially for something so individual, to share it in a different way.

As I said in my most recent posts, I have been struggling with severe depression which was triggered by necessary use of high dose steroids. Due to that I have been fighting overwhelming suicidal impulses for 4 years. I have tried different meds, but none has helped.

My biggest struggle is that most meds for depression have actually hurt me and made things worse - on the easy side, I took Remeron which caused me to gain 60 pounds! Others were worse - Celexa and Effexor actually made me MORE suicidal, and Wellbutrin caused me to "rapid cycle" with a vengeance as if I were bipolar - which then necessitated the use of anticonvulsants.

There is obviously some "glitch" in the mechanism up there. Some kind of "glitch" also seems to be behind the insomnia which I've had all my life but which, after I got off Carbatrol which I was prescribed for the "rapid cycling," became unlivable. I was unable to ever sleep at all at that point and sleeping pills did not help. Neurontin - which did help the sleep somewhat - gave me painful thinking and serious and scary feelings of losing my mind.

I sought out the EMDR hoping that I could overcome this depression without more meds (which, I reiterate, seem to make things WORSE!). So, when I first sought this out, I did not know it had any connection to sleep at all. I sought it out solely for the depression.

Part of my philosophy behind this was, "Yes, prednisone did kick this off, but maybe there was psychological stuff there to be kicked off and maybe if I could deal with that and be completely at peace psychologically that would be part of the answer and would maybe even allow the chemicals to come back into line."

So I FIRST sought out EMDR as a way to deal with depression - not as a way to deal with insomnia. I wrote about it here as a way to deal with insomnia because that is what this forum is about and because my counselor insists that it works for that (although that is not its primary aim). It also does tie into my sleep - not necessarily the insomnia aspect - because in my sleep study it was found that I only spend one fourth as much time in REM sleep as a person "should."

The EMDR is pretty much based on the principal of REM as a way of processing events. Studies have shown that EMDR does, in fact, increase REM sleep. (I know for most people on here that wouldnt' be helpful because the dream stage is not a restful sleep and they are not looking to increase REM. I realize some actually have trouble with dreaming too much and not getting rested because of that!).

I still firmly believe that my sleep issue is almost fully chemical/biological/organic. I believe that I have had a faulty "sleep-wake" mechanism since infancy and that going on and then off the Carbatrol broke the mechanism all together.

However, as I go through this therapy that I began a couple of months ago, I am finding out that my childhood was not as idyllic as it seemed and that things that I thought were not a big deal and that I had moved on from (for instance a one time molestation by a pastor when I was 12 or 13) actually have affected me more than I realized.

Again, I am NOT switching camps. I repeat that my issue is almost solely biological, but through the EMDR, I am learning that although I was not abused physically or sexually by my parents and do not come from a broken home and had a normal schedule throughout life and so on and so on which is all true - what I went through emotionally in my childhood was a form of emotional abuse that was very real and very devastating and is as "legitimate" as far as impact as physical and sexual abuse. I had just always dismissed it as - well, my parents didn't beat me and didn't get divorced, therefore my childhood was great. It turns out that I actually have lots of perfectionism issues and control issues and they may be interfering with sleep. (This is not a matter of so-called "recalled memories" - things I had forgotten and am now miraculously remembered. These are just things I thought were no big deal but am now seeing the impact clearly.)

My counselor insists that the EMDR and working through these issues will help the sleep. I have found that it is, but it is far from perfect. In fact, I still sometimes have completely sleepless nights - but overall the situation is improved, and I am dreaming more, so that tells me that the structure of MY sleep is also changing, which tells me there is some kind of PHYSICAL change in my brain - as well as just a working through of issues. M y sleep pattern and structure really have changed, and I don't think it is just because I am working through "issues." I think there is a physical change taking place.

I have no idea if EMDR would help you or not. I certainly don't presume to know how you operate or what your issues were or are. I can just say that MY sleep structure has changed and also that things that I thought I had worked through and were not impacting me - well, they were/are (not that that is the heart or even a major part of my sleep issue).

- just another comment here on that thing people seem to take "sides" about here - If my insomnia were induced by anxiety or perfectionism or control issues, how come going off the Carbatrol "broke" my sleep/wake mechanism all together? It is because the sleep issue is mainly physical/biological/chemical and that messed with my brain chemistry.

Oh, A-B, I don't know that that answers your question. I feel like my posts have been a patchwork quilt. I am just desperately seeking answers. I pray that the EMDR helps hugely with my sleep - and if not that -then hopefully for the depression (for which I had to be hospitalized 2 weeks ago. It is really quite bad and hard on me and my family.)

In short - I see my insomnia issue as being primarily a physical glitch in my brain there from birth - I am beginning to see too, however, that I have some issues to work through. I see EMDR mainly as a tool for helping me to cope with and hopefully overcome the depression, but I also see results in better sleep and in more REM sleep (which in MY individual case was needed). I sense that the EMDR IS helping me work through issues that I was not able to with meds or other talking therapies, and I sense it making physical or chemical change in my brain which is changing the stucture of my sleep.

I hope that helps. If I can clarify anything, please let me know.

Follow Ups:

• Re: Heidi - EMDR A-B 04:38 1/29/03 (2)
  • Re: Heidi - EMDR Heidi 19:12 1/29/03 (1)
    • Re: Heidi - EMDR A-B 04:47 1/30/03 (0)
• Re: Heidi - EMDR Joanna 21:07 1/28/03 (1)
  • Re: Heidi - EMDR Joanna 21:14 1/28/03 (0)

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