Posted by addie on February 21, 1999 at 06:01:10:
Hi! I guess I just need to get some things off my chest to some people who know what I'm talking about. My DH, as dear as he may be just doesn't get it and probably is getting tired of it as well. I've had lots nights that haven't been too good. Lots of memories are coming back of our time in hopsital (3 months ago)when our son was in NICU and I'm finding myself getting angry over things that happened, even minor things like when a NICU nurse asked me why I was crying (DUH!) or how much the maternity nurses ignored me, ie post-traumatic stress crap. I start crying when I think of seeing and holding my son when I first dragged myself into the NICU after giving birth and it literally was dragging- after weeks and weeks of bedrest plus an episiotomy, I could barely walk the 50 feet or whatever it was to see him. In the last week I have only gotten to sleep naturally (ie no drugs) twice. The other times I've been up for a few hours, then forced to take ambien or xanax if I'm to get any sleep at all. Sometimes I think about things, other times my mind is totally empty but I still just lie there, motionless, but totally awake nonetheless. My one and only last hope is an app't on 3/1 with a psychiatrist who specializes in medication. My therapist who's treating me for this awful post-partum depression really thinks this will help me. I look at it as my last great hope, and I don't know what to do if he can't help me. I'm really worried. I've tried every suggestion known for insomnia, read numerous books, message boards, on-line stuff, etc. to help me, but nothing works too well. The drugs work pretty good, but they have a limited time span of usefulness and I'm scared to death of becoming dependent on them or the rebound insomnia. I'm so afraid that this insomnia will be permanent, even though everyone says it won't. But I've never been a good sleeper- always had transient insomnia. But it usually would only be for one night, then the next nights would be normal. Or I'd have a few nights of not such great sleep, but it would always break. Those patterns have been in existence all my life. This PPD insomnia garbage I'm dealing with has been going on for 3 months with no real break, except a few nights here and there. I am so afraid, especially for when I go back to work in Sept. I know that's a long ways away and maybe I'll be better by then, but I just don't know; I am so petrified. I know I shouldn't be so scared, but once in a while, I let my fears get the better of me. Most of the time I'm trying very very hard to be positive. The negativity breaks through on occasion. I guess that's normal with PPD and post-traumatic stress. I'm sure some of you have/had feelings like mine. Any advice on how to overcome them? Is there hope? Sometimes I feel so lost!
WIsh you all have a nice day! I'm hoping mine will be good too and lead to a good night as well.
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