Insomnia Forum Posting

Posted by maryflo on October 16, 2003 at 21:12:48:

In Reply to: Re: Insomnia caused by grief... posted by lostguy on October 16, 2003 at 17:11:04:

Well, I wouldn't know how to tell the exact difference between depression and grief. Theoretically (in the shrink profession) depression is anger turned inward. But a big part of grief is anger! You're angry at someone for dying, you're angry that you have to go through this, you're just plain angry, and so on. As far as I'm concerned, it's just how humans are designed. You express what comes up, in a safe way that doesn't frighten anybody else, and then you get on with your life. Sooner or later it passes. I find grieving to be a similar kind of thing. It's fairly mutable. (Depression, on the other hand, is something people can get stuck in.) Intense sadness moves in, you think the pain's so bad it'll kill you, you rant and rave or do whatever your style is, and then after a little while or an hour or two things subside for the time being. It's like a thunderstorm. As time passes the thunderstorms become less frequent. One day you wake up and you're a wiser and more generous person, with a bigger heart and a deeper understanding of human suffering and a greater capacity for joy. I think this is just how we're made.

And bear in mind you have lost your child. People tell me this is the most painful kind of bereavement.

One thing that occurs to me is that if there are people in your life, other than your wife, who you can let your hair down with, maybe spend time with them, if you don't already. Let them do what good friends want to do - listen, coddle, provide space. Although in a big way you and your wife are in this loss together, and you need to go through it together, it's really too big for just two people. If you are supported by people who love you and you can do the emotional work that is in front of you, which will help calm you, it will be easier to give her what she needs.

A thought about doctors: Like human beings in general, they come in a lot of flavors. Some are right for you and some aren't. I've been through quite a few over the years, and I'm sorry to report that none of them are Zeus. Especially where sleep is concerned because it sort of falls (in reality) between the cracks of the medical specialties. Medication is another tough one. I have had to learn this very much the hard way. The problem is the limits of doctors' training. Doctors, including psychiatrists and sleep docs, don't always know as much as we patients need for them to know; these subjects are just too vast, with not enough research in yet. It's just how it is. Unfortunately for you, you have to find out what's right for you by trial and error, whether a doc's a good match for you, or whether a medication is a good match for you.

People vary hugely in how they respond to sedating medications. A bigger dose of trazodone might work, and then again it might not. Lorazepam -- a miracle drug, if you ask me, for short term use, but was never intended to be used routinely, and if you get hooked on it (for me it didn't take much) it could make you unbelievably sick. There are _many_ medications out there.

Your doc thinks this insomnia is temporary for you - my guess is he's right. But insomnia that lasts, say, more than a few months, runs the risk of turning into a chronic phobic thing. The insomnia starts for physical or emotional reasons, and then turns into a sort of conditioned anxiety disorder which can hang around forever even after the original cause has been eliminated. This is where behavioral techniques such as sleep restriction come in. If you search around you'll also find various other things that help people - yoga, meditation, relaxation tapes, etc.

As for if it's good or bad to read forums - well, I guess it depends!

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