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Re: The thing is patience

Posted by Seeking sleep on January 27, 2005 at 18:19:34:

In Reply to: Re: The thing is patience posted by DCTom on January 27, 2005 at 16:17:51:

Wow.... so you were really bad too huh? That's what is so wierd about this thing. I'm an energetic positive person myself, but this thing has shaken my very core. I am in therapy and have been using CBT but with all the years of anxiety that I have had, it's going to take lots of practice to use more realistic self talk. I'm actually pretty good during parts of the day, but boy in the middle of the night can I lay it on. I just play this, "I'm always going to be like this tape," and then I'm like "I might get better but then there's always a chance I could relapse and then what would I do?" I mean, how nuts is that? I know that I have to learn to take things one day at a time - not just with this but with every part of my life. Good Lord, it that a challenge!

You told me in an earlier post that Tom told you to quit living your life like you were an insomniac. I am going to ask him about this too, but how? I mean, I know that I have to continue with the day to day as much as possible and I'm actually starting to go on with my daily functioning pretty well and believe me, that is definitely a change. But as the night draws near I never just go to bed like I used to. The old me would hang out on the sofa and watch TV with my husband and then start yawning and say, "I'm off to bed." That's pretty hard to do now. I mean the time that I go to bed has become an issue. I feel like I've forgotten how to listen to my body - I know I have to still be in there somewhere, but my mind has drowned out my instincts. I think that is what is most scary to me about this disorder. There are no instincts anymore - none that I can hear anyway. I've lost the ability to trust myself and my body. I am a personal trainer (although right now I'm a stay at home mom), I'm about to complete a message therapist certification, and I'm totally into fitness. I've always had a healthy relationship with my body. Where the hell have I gone? God does it scare me.

Could you elaborate on why Klonopin became your enemy? I know nothing about that drug. Is it in the same family as Trazadone? I take a low dose of that (12 - 25 mg) and have off and on for a while. It helps me fall asleep and I usually sleep on through the night unless I'm having one of my bouts. I wonder sometimes about whether being on it effects my confidence. When I think about going off of it, I worry that I would then develop sleep onset. They say that Trazadone is not addictive but I'd say it is psychologically. I mean look, I'm afraid I can't go to sleep without it. I've weaned myself off of it before once when I had a bout that I got through and then 2 years ago just before I got pregnant. My husband and I want another child although the bout with insomnia has made me doubt whether or not we should. So I'd have to quit taking it if we decide to try again. I can't tell you the shame I feel that insomnia could cause me to not want another child. Here I go again.... One day at a time.

Thanks DCTom. You guys have really been nice to me in a time of real need and I so appreciate it.

Molly

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