Insomnia Forum Posting

Posted by Seeking sleep on January 28, 2005 at 15:56:46:

In Reply to: Re: Oh no! posted by Tom-N-Texas on January 28, 2005 at 07:20:28:

Hi Tom -

Thanks agian for responding. I am doing better today as I went to my mother's and slept 7 and a half hours. I have to keep remembering that much of my problem is still being a new mother who has become a light sleeper and is too ultra vigilant about caring for her daughter. Last night I left her here with my husband and I had no problems sleeping. We are working on her sleep patterns a bit and my husband has a much easier time tending to her and then going right back to sleep. I'm actually going to stay at my mother's for a few nights so that I can get some rest and be a bit more rational. I do have anxiety trouble and lack of sleep turns that anxiety into crazy obsessive thoughts. It's amazing how much more clearly I am thinking today as opposed to yesterday. I just become catastrophic when I get that tired and then it just feeds itself.

Everything you said is great advice. As far as getting off og the meds, I will be doing that probably in the not so distant future. If we want to have another child, which we do GOd willing I get a grip on the insomnia, I'll need to be off of that. I don't think that it is the traz. that is waking me up. I've taken it during other bouts of insomnia and have been able to sleep through the night. An average dose is 50-100-150 mgs and I usually take 12-25 mgs. But I'm willing to consider that it might be worsening the problem.

Let me give you a little history of my insomnia. First off, I think I am wired to be anxious in the first place and then as a child my parents seperated when I was 6. I have memories of waking in the night and calling out for my father who wasn't there and then I did start having trouble falling asleep. I have no idea if that plays into any of this at all because after that I had years and years of being a good sleeper. I have not been one of those who's head hits the pillow and immediately finds slumber. My husband is one of those. It's always been a bit harder for me.

I am 36 yeras old and got married a little over 4 years ago. About 7 months into our marriage I sort of freaked out about the fact tht I was married and that this really was for better or for worse. During that time, I had my first bout of insomnia. I was struggling with a lot of stuff. My marriage, my parents marriage, looking for a new career. Anyway, I had a few rough nights in a row tht turned into a week or so and then BAM! i'd come to fear this thing. I think the fear was probably transfered fear from my fear of marriage if that makes sense. And it became something I on which I could focus my need for control. Anyway, that was 3 and a half years ago. The bout lasted about 6 weeks and I used Trazadone to get through it. Now I have to say that NOTHING works totally for me so what I conribute to a sleep aid is probably my own strength really. That is why, more than anything, I would like to get off of it - I'd like to recognize that I can do it.

Anyway, a year and a half went by. Every now and then I'd worry that I couldn't sleep or I'd be afraid of it, but mainly I was normal again. Really. I went to bed when I wanted, drank wine when I wanted, slept in when I wanted, enjoyed coffee, etc, etc.

Then, a year and a half after my original bout of insomnia, I had a miscarriage and I really fell apart. My step father had died a few months before, my mother was falling apart completely, my hormones where out of control, I was depressed about my loss, and guess what happened? I couldn't sleep. This time it was REALLY BAD. I truly thought I was going to fall off the edge of the earth and die. NOt kill myself but somehow just die. At any rate, it was really bad for almost 2 months. It was life changing in that I understood for the first time what depression was. I had been one of those people that thought depression was something you should just be able to snap out of. I now feel sure incredible compassion for the mentally ill I swear. I had a revelation at my lowest point that I wasn't going to die and this whole thing was crazy and I started getting better. I quit the Trazadone and started trying to get pregnant. Sleep was still an issue but not as bad.

Then I got pregnant in April of 2003 and started sleeping great. I slept better in my pregnancy than I had in a long time and no one sleeps well during pregnancy. Go figure.

After my daughter was born, I started having some trouble again. I would shoot full force awake when she needed me and I would have a hard time turning off. I know this is hormones too but also the wacky sleep schedule started playing games with me. Instead of recognizing that this was normal, I faulted myself for my inability to rest and nap when she did - I have NEVER been a good napped even as a child. Not even in college after a wild night. But all of a sudden I was telling myself, "You've got to sleep - you are exhausted - if you don't nap when she naps, if you can't sleep at night when she sleeps, then you are going to be exhausted and an exhausted mother is a terrible mother." I know that isn't rational but those were still the messages I was sending to myself.

I tried hypnosis in April - it didn't do anything for me. I got better though although it was always in the back of my mind. I mainly did okay until late October and then I crashed. November was awful. One Sunday after church either in late November or early December I told my husband that I had to go to the hospital. I didn't go but I was convinced that I had gone crazy. I talked to my counselor that day and she told me that I had to act normally and go ahead with my day. I did and was surprised to find that doing that made me feel normal. Since then things have gotten better, although this past week has been a setback .

When I write this it makes me see that every bout has happened when I've lost control of something in my life. I then shift to my sleep and try to control that. Of course that doesn't really work now does it? In some ways the sleep issue has brought up issues for me that I never would have dealt with if I didn't have it. It's like my defenses get so compromised that stuff about this need for control bubbles up and has to be dealt with. I actually have seen some changes that have been positive that have come out of all this. I wish those realizations didn't have to come at such a painful cost as through sleep deprivation, but that is just the way it's been.

You asked about my husband. He is an amazingly patient person and has listened for hours upon hours about my insomnia - I don't know how he's stood it quite frankly. He sounds like your wife and has told me much the same. "Molly, you can read books, you can get online but all that it's doing is deepening your conviction that you are an insomnic. You are driving yourself crazy looking for an answer somewhere outside of yourself. And the answer isn't out there. It's much simplier than you are allowing it to be." He's gotten me up and back in with my life at times when I didn't want to move. He's upbeat and encouraging with me even after I'm sure I've driven him to a point of wanting to strangle me if I ask him one more question about sleep.

Anyway, that was a long answer wasn't it? I saw my counselor today and I guess I felt a bit chatty. We are working on my thinking and I've come up with some things to say to myself that feel right. I'm just hoping that one of these days I won't want to control everything. I'm sure you understand.

Thanks for listening.

Molly

Follow Ups:

• Re: Oh no! Tom-N-Texas 17:15 1/28/05 (2)
  • Re: Oh no! Seeking sleep 08:55 1/31/05 (1)
    • Re: Oh no! Tom-N-Texas 13:52 1/31/05 (0)

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