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Severe insomnia and breaking up

Posted by had enough on September 28, 2005 at 16:25:36:

I am posting now because my situation has become very deparate. Just to review, I posted last summer because my chronic insomnia (childhood onset) was out of control. I was on so little sleep that I was having panic attacks, suicidal ideation and fearing a sleep-deprivation induced psychotic episode. I am dependent on ambien and like most of you was feeling like that was a bad road. I saw 3 doctors and all that anyone could conclude was that for stubborn childhood insomnia that doesn't respond to anything else (I've done SR, relaxation exercises, lived Jacob's book etc)meds sometimes are better than coping with something that stubborn. So I went on mirtazapine (remeron) plus started to taper down on the ambien. I was able to get by on 5mg ambien many nights.

Now I have faced the biggest crisis of my life. My fiance broke off our relationship out of the blue. He was my rock just under 2 months ago when I thought I would kill myself from this insomnia struggle. Knowing he was there for me forever was the only thing that helped me get rid of the panic attacks. I never saw this coming. The panic attacks are back. Now I have horrible nightmares about him leaving me, wake up feeling relieved and think he's next to me, and then panicking when I realize he DID leave me. I am seeing a therapist, but i really feel like I am going crazy. I am up to 20-30mg of ambien with the mirtazapine, just to get 3 hours of sleep. I never thought I would see myself at that point.

Has anyone had a partner or spouse leave them when they were so vulnerable? There was really nothing else in our relationship that could have caused this. It was just like he forgot who the real me was (though I have always had insomnia, I was never needy, panicky or suicidal until last summer).

I realize this is an insomnia sight and not relationship or psych self-help, but I am just interested to know if anyone has had a similar situation. Any major life crisis when you just starting to be stabilized? I know crises can CAUSE insomnia, but what happens when you had the insomnia first? I also started a new job and graduate school in the last few weeks. He was my financial support also, so now that will be an added stress.

Sorry this is so long and maybe disorganized. I just need to hear from fellow insomniacs, because everyone goes through break-ups, but no one understands the additional stress of bad BAD insomnia. I just don't want to end up in the psych ward; I want the rest of my life to be intact, and it is hard to fight a crisis with debilitating insomnia.

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