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How to change after 12 years of it?

Posted by Brightonbelle on October 03, 2005 at 05:46:10:

Hello everyone,

I've been reading these forums for years and sometimes offered the odd post. I'd really like to share my story and would be so grateful for any advice. My problem started 12 years ago at University. I have always been an 'overthinker' and was studying Philosophy (the worst subject possible, for an insomniac). I had noticed that sometimes before an exciting event I wouldn't sleep well and that the lack of sleep would diminish the fun I would have.

One night I lay there and the thought rushed in "What if you don't sleep tonight? In fact, what if you NEVER sleep again before a fun event?"

BANG! I was awake and panicking. Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night. That night set off the most vicious and persistent insomnia. I won't bore you with the story of the next few years. I followed the same pattern as all of you- Drugs, hypnosis, relaxation, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselling, meditation,... I've done them all. My life was horrible, I looked a mess and I contemplated suicide.

My life was a no-life. A strange non-existence in which I viewed the world from inside a 'bubble' of insomnia. Everyone 'outside' seemed to be having an enjoyable 'normal' life whereas I was somehow separate from them living the hellish life of the insomniac.

SR never really helped because I sometimes get nights of 10 hours sleep, feel wonderful, sleep again the next night and think I was cured. Then suddenly a string of what I would call 'no-sleep' nights.

The trigger for the insomnia would always be the same. Remember, I was at Uni which is a highly social place. If I had ANY reason for getting up the next day; a party, coffee with a friend, a meeting with a tutor, even a favourite lecture. I would get literally NO sleep. And believe me, I know what NO sleep means even though 'experts' always like condescendingly to tell us "You probably get more sleep than you think" like that is supposed to help.

Anyway, like Tom n Texas and DCTom I have come to the realisation that this is all about attitude, that no drug or external cure is going to help. With much reading, meditation and even discovering a kind of spirituality, I have come to control it- sort of.

In reality, what I have done over the past 12 years is to create a life for myself where I almost never have anything to look forward to. 'Looking forward' equates with excitement which means insomnia, which means panic and misary. I am self employed so that non one ever makes demands upon my time. My friends and family know NEVER to invite me to a fun event unless it is happening that very day. I never have parties, don't have friends around for dinner, I haven't been on holiday for 10 years.

So I sleep quite well, so long as my life is kept at tedious level with nothing going on.

It seems that nothing, NOTHING and no amount of positive thinking will allow me to get over this inability to sleep on 'special' nights. It only takes the mere thought that I might have some amount of fun, that there is some reason to look forward to the following day, to stop me sleeping. Sometimes I say to myself "to H**L with it, I'm going to have a good time tomorrow, no matter what". Inevitably that night I will lie down, trying to be positive, saying to myself "I'm cured, I'm better, It's all going to be OK". But somewhere there is another voice, or just a feeling that it's not going to be OK.

It's like there is an unsilenceable voice which keeps saying "You KNOW you won't sleep, you NEVER sleep, stop kidding yourself, you know better than this, you WILL NOT SLEEP."

This has nothing to do with relaxation, sleep resitriction, avoiding stimulants or getting enough exercise. It has everything to do with my overactive, overanalysing mind. I seem to have no control over my thoughts at all which are constantly analysing, constantly judging. I seem to have an answer for everything and never trust anything unless it sounds perfect. I am now doing research in Philosophy which isn't helping as I cannot help questioning EVERYTHING. So when someone gives intelligent advice like Tom n Texas, I hear it and try to believe it but my intellectual side will stop me from 'living it'.

I know I must stop intellectualising everything but my mind seems to have a powerful will of its own. Sometimes I feel that my mind and my self are seperate as I can never will my mind to do anything or think anything, or believe anything. IT seems to know better, if that makes sense.

I know for those of you still in the grip of the 'not-sleeping-at-all' phase, I sound ungrateful. I can get nights of 10 hours sleep sometimes. But believe me, I feel absolutely desolate in this life of no fun. I live a life in which the whole concept of having something to look forward to is alien to me. I can't even remember how good that used to feel. I'm back in my insomnia bubble, watching a world of people making plans, having holidays and parties, going to dinner, even arranging walks in the country or meeting for a cup of tea. All these things are a distant dream for me.

Is there any hope for me? Do I sound crazy? I honestly feel that I am living the life of a crazy person. I am impressed by how much the people on this forum know about insomnia, compared with the idiots of the health profession. I am praying that you will be able to help me.

With much love
Brightonbelle

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