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empathize with Tom N'Texas posts

Posted by viviana on February 15, 2006 at 22:43:49:

Hy to all of you as i am a newcomer.... not sure my spelling is good (i'm from Romania) but i'll write anyway...so...i'm a chronic insomniac for about 10 years (now i'm 24)and i feel it has changed me so much that i really can't imagine my life without it...i feel that if i just could ''give up'' to my sleeplesness i would find i don't know who i am..and it's so scary in a way...i realize all this sounds so weird but that doesn't help too much...it's a paradox here because i would be so happy just to ''get rid'' of my insomnia but in the same time the idea of getting up with another identity is so frightening... this seems a little bit psychotic, i know, but could be this another reason that ''keeps me awake''?!

i think that my insomnia could be linked to a very stressfull period of time in my life (my mother's 3 surgeries in about a year)...the fact is that i've always been the anxious and hyperanalytic type of person but it has definitely become worse ever since, with all the additional depression and emotional havoc from the sleep deprivation... it's just so hard to ignore or get over the chronic tiredness, painfull headaches and so on...

what i've realized lately is that i really don't know how to fall asleep (and i'm also very afraid of the idea of ''letting out'' the control as i am so habituated not to that)..
in my best nights i get about 4-5 hours of sleep (from 3 to 7 or 8) but the major problem is this sleep anxiety and obsessive thinking about the lack of it (i found myself thinking all the time about it, this are just such intrusive thoughts!)... makes me feel so tired all the time, the same negative sleep thinking pattern which seems so hard to remove...and all had become worse when i knew i would have to do a certain activity next day (no matter how enjoyable!), because it's always that pressure ''you have to sleep in order to be functional tomorrow''-and of course, it never happens because my brain is already so hyperactive that the only thing i could do is to toss and turn around untill my waking hour...such a vicious circle-nothing new, isn't it?

it was a time when i used to think that maybe something's wrong physiollogically speaking with the amount of sleep chemicals in my brain (serotonine and &)...and i become so obsessed about keeping the ''perfect sleep schedule''that my whole life centred upon you know, all the behaviorals techniques which , for me,added a suplimentary stress... i came to the conclussion that are just complementary facts because sleeping requires first a quiet mental state (which for me is almost always impossible as my brain became hyperalert in the evening-but anyway i'm still working on it!)and i'd found myself sleeping the best when i wasn't obsessed or thinking about them...but i still belive in a common-sense sleep hygiene schedule, something that could help resetting our internal clocks...

i was so glad when i found this site, it really means so much for me because it's hard to empathize in real life with those who never experimented the insomnia ''mental'' state..it's definitely a great support!

Nothing new but just want to share my conclusions...and i agree so much with you, Tom N'Texas!....thought i'm not allowed to generalise facts i still strongly belive all is in our heads (cognitive and emotional level) and all those external methods don't have a real impact or power on our sleep pattern, it's just the idea they could have one(placebo).

well, that's all for the moment, though there are a lot of things to share...just feel i wanna say hello to all of you..

viviana



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