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Help once again!

Posted by Gadgirl on February 20, 2006 at 07:25:21:

For some of you who have read my posts before, I have been taking trazodone for a year and a half to help kick start me falling asleep. Two years ago I found myself having difficulty falling asleep and then obsessing about it. Well, to make a long depressing story short, I lost all confidence in sleeping on my own and eventually fell into taking Ambien. After two months on that, my doc recommended the trazodone. For the most part, it has helped and only on a few occasions will I need the addition of Ambien. This past weekend was an extremely difficult one for me as I had to put my cat of 15 years to sleep. As you can imagine it was traumatic! Well, the night before the big decision was made, I couldn't sleep with just the trazodone, so took an Ambien. The last time I had taken one was approximately 6 weeks earlier. That had pretty much been my pattern. Well, the next night was the worst night of my life thus far, with losing my kitty, but I was able to sleep with the trazodone. However, after feeling like an emotional train wreck all day yesterday, I knew I needed a good night's sleep. Unfortunately, that was not to be. I usually go to bed around 9, giving myself plenty of time to fall asleep before my hubby. However, I just couldn't. As I laid there watching the hours fly by, I kept reminding myself of many posts here which have been of comfort. For instance, I think it was Cairo who wrote that it's no big deal if you don't sleep, just enjoy the relaxation of being in bed. I kept telling myself that, but as it go later I knew that wasn't going to be enough to get me through. Then, I told myself so what if you don't sleep tonight? You'll sleep tomorrow night. Well, that didn't work either because I knew I needed to sleep and couldn't tolerate what the next day would bring. I knew I would be more than just tired. This whole insomnia thing creates such a feeling of failure and the fear that I'm right back to where I started two years ago and that all the "progress" I thought I had made, especially with taking Ambien sporadically, was gone. It's easy to fall back into that same state of mind when I resort to Ambien. For me, that's admitting again, that I'm still plagued with this nightmare and what's it going to take to finally be rid of it? Or while I ever be? Well, as the clock ticked 12:45, I finally got up and took another Ambien. So, here I am the morning after feeling disappointment, discouragement, depressed and, of course the never ending obsession with what about tonight? It has been a very long time since I've had to take more than one Ambien in a short period of time. Granted I was extremely stressed and emotionally drained, but once I fall back into the Ambien black hole, I feel doomed. I told myself many things while lying awake and desperately wanting to sleep, one of which was I was going to throw out the Ambien. However, it does help in some ways and I feel it is my crutch of sorts. Then, I thought well tonight I'll just up my dose of trazodone to 100 mg. Maybe that will be sufficient. All in all, I am very frustrated and wish I could take this anxiety induced insomnia and give it a good kick out of the park. Thanks for giving me a chance to relay my story. It's always helpful to know at 1:00 in the morning there's a place to go the next day that will give some sort of comfort, i.e. this message board.

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