Posted by Samantha on November 09, 2009 at 03:01:52:

Hi everybody. I have not posted on here for a while because my computer crashed and I lost my password. I have been reading posts but not writing them. I have now re-registered. I was reading through some of the posts to see how everybody is doing and I am amazed at how many posts I have read from people who feel alone and isolated and asking if anybody can relate to their difficulties. I can fully empathize with well over 50% of these posts, and the follow-up posters can also relate to other peoples' troubles. It tells me one thing anyway, none of us are suffering this alone and should never feel isolated, different or worry that other people may 'notice' we are not functioning at full capacity or that we have bags under our eyes. I have also noticed that doctors practically ignore insomnia.

When I went to see my doc because I had not been sleeping, she decided I was depressed and anxious. I said the only reason I felt so depressed and anxious was because I was not sleeping. If I did not have the insomnia, the other symptoms would not have reached crisis point. I have always been slightly anxious and have a tendancy to feel down in the dumps, but nothing like the horrible, gut wrenching fear and major panic that followed the onset of my insomnia. Mine has been ongoing for over 10 years and I wish I had left the doctors out of it. It took me three trips to casualty (one in an ambulance - I bet that had the curtains twitching) and also being seen by several different doctors before I got some medication that actually helped me in the end. If this had been done upon my first visit, instead of me being given a stupid SSRI that made me flip out big time then I would have probably been able to cope!

The main thing I can relate to is the adrenalin jolt when drifting off. It is horrible and it happens about 8 or 9 times until I finally snatch a few hours of horrible sleep until having to get up at 7:00am for work. I feel like I am punishing myself and I don't know why. I then spend the rest of the day worrying and panicking about the coming nights sleep and all this does is bring on a panic attack. I then worry that I will have a panic attack at work which makes me anxious. The anxiety then kills my appetite and I lose my concentration and make loads of mistakes at work. My head feels like it is full of cotton wool and bees and I forget things. When it's at its worst, I don't eat or sleep and I can't watch TV or read or do anything for about 6 weeks or so because I am trapped in a cycle of fear and anxiety! Eventually, I manage to get a handle on it (god knows how) and I will be OK for a few months, I just push the sleep-fear to the back of my mind then out of the blue and for no apparent reason, I start having trouble sleeping, get the adrenalin jolts while trying to drop off, then the whole cycle starts again.

This has pretty much ruined my life because all my fears and anxieties stop me doing anything like socialising or planning trips or holidays and I am so down with it all, I don't care about the huge bags and dark shadows under my eyes and I don't care what people think of me either.I can't even sit through a whole film at the moment. I just want to go to bed at a reasonble hour and sleep for seven of them without medication and alcholol. I suppose I should be in a good mood today. I got five hours last night (albeit broken) and made it into work even if it did take a military like operation to get myself prepared!

I was surprised to learn that so many people have this insomnia/anxiety/fear thing going on! I thought I was a one off until I started reserching it! Also reading posts from others who are coping or have overcome insomnia really help me and no doubt lots of others. I know there is no actual cure and doctors by-pass the issue and blame it on something else, but insomnia is a genuine, life altering conditon that affects millions of people worldwide, only most of those people probably don't speak out or try to get help. I was wondering about Michael Jackson's recent passing. I get the distinct impression he was desperate for sleep looking at the massive list of anit-anxiety/knock out drugs he was given. He was probably not sleeping because he was so stressed out about his upcoming tour and worrying that he will able to perform well (and people had high expectations from him) that he ended up dying trying to sleep.

Sorry for the long post but typing helps with my anxiety (I am at work and started to feel really zoned so I thought I would do a quick post to wake myself up!). Hope everybody has a good day followed by (please be followed by) a good night's sleep. And for those of you who cannot sleep tonight, well, at least you won't be on your own in the world.

Follow Ups:

• Re: Definitely not alone! unwind 05:52 11/09/09 (4)
  • Re: Definitely not alone! Samantha 06:44 11/09/09 (3)
    • Re: Definitely not alone! unwind 09:27 11/09/09 (2)
      • Re: Definitely not alone! Samantha 13:50 11/09/09 (1)
        • Re: Definitely not alone! unwind 15:16 11/09/09 (0)

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