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Running away from the truth...

Posted by Shadow on March 14, 2003 at 21:43:25:

Hi!

It's a strange thing...though I should know better I seem to be running away from the truth again and again.

I have the symptoms (day-sleepiness, sleep-attacks, sleep-paralyses, hypnagogic halluzinations, even mild cataplexies), I have the HLA-DR2, I had a sleep-study with sleep-onset-REMs.

So if I was my own patient I would tell myself "There's no doubt about it. You have narcolepsy!" I even asked my doc whether it could be a mistake and whether I maybe don't have anything at all. He had to laugh at me since he knows my own medical background.

It really IS illogical. I intellectually KNOW that there is no doubt about my diagnosis, but I always treat it as if it had not much to do with myself, rather as if it was a patient of mine having it. I read about everything that has to do with N and the knowledge helps me somehow, but I also seem to push it in a distance from myself this way.

When I got my diagnosis I was relieved to know the reason for many problems of my everydays life, but meanwhile I'm often frustrated because it did not solve those problems.

And I still seem to look for the old excuses and explanations instead of organizing myself in another way.
I could tell myself "This or that problem is because I have N and I should do it another way next time and then it will work!", but what I do is not thinking about N, but being irritable and not friendly to people who are not responsible for my situation and even want to help me (I always feel so sorry about that!) or torture myself with accuses of not having worked enough or trying to do more than I can or feeling like a looser being not able to manage to function in a "normal" way.

I don't know how to explain it, but I seem to accept my diagnosis in a theoretical way, but not as a part of MY life. The problem (and so very frustrating) is that things don't work and that they will probably never do if I am not able to say "I have narcolepsy" (leaves a bad taste saying it...). I really don't know how I could teach myself reality.

Sorry this was a long posting, but it's somehow difficult to explain. But I decided to communicate this, because I think I really have to change some things/thinking.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING!

Ciao!

Shadow

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