Feeling desperate
[Sleepnet.com's Homepage] [Sleep Disorders] [Sleep Links] [Search]

Feeling desperate

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Narcolepsy Forum28 ] [ FAQ ]

Posted by baobabble on June 30, 2008 at 11:00:40:

I am 35, male. I was diagnosed with N in 2/07. My polysomnogram revealed <1% stage 3 & 4 sleep. I fell asleep in and entered REM sleep under 15 mins (or less) in my first 4 MSLT naps. (didn't do the 5th nap). If I remember correctly symptoms started when I was about 12 or so. I have felt like a zombie almost my entire life. I take provigil 200mg twice daily and this has stopped the sleep attacks. I don't think the sleep attacks ever really made me go completely to sleep, but I had distinct sensation of being 'sucked down'. On days I forget my provigil these feelings return. But I don't really feel any more alert or able to focus on things that I need to do. And Cephalon is not going to renew my coverage because I have insurance with $1250 worth prescription coverage a year. So now I'm faced with the option of not having insurance so I can get the provigil or switching to adderal or ritalin. Neither of which work as well as the provigil.

I take Ambien to help me sleep at night. It gives me about 4 to 5 hours uninterrupted sleep, but is it Delta? I don't know. I doubt it.

I am a grad student at a well known state university. I know that I am smart enough and that I understand the material well enough. But I still can't pull myself together. Being a grad student makes it so easy to 'fake it'. Everyone around seems to think that I am doing fine, if a little weird or eccentric. The department I am in has even been so kind as to provide me a room to take naps in if I need to.

This is all great, but the 20+ years i've been struggling with this have taken their toll on me. I have very, very low social functioning. I have no friends to speak of. I have been, until recently, estranged from my parents and sister. I recently initiated reconciliation (of sorts) but they are so at a loss as to how to help me. And really, there isn't much they can do but offer their verbal support. I don't think they accept that I have N. my mom is slowly dying of myeloma (blood cancer) so they have their own problems to deal with. There are some other grad students that I am acquainted with, but this is not a substitute for close interpersonal and loving relationships.

There have been a few girls in my life, but not many and they never stay around for very long. I can only guess that I suck all of what they can give me in the first couple of weeks. They all begin to see me as a problem to deal with and eventually they try to let me down easily by telling me how awesome I am that I will find someone who is right for me someday. It always sends me into an emotional tailspin. And I become extremely depressed. More so than my normal levels of depression.

For all of my adolescent and adult life I have felt depressed on and off. On most days I feel the urge to cry because I am so lonely. But I can't always cry. For a long time I would just drink a lot of beer and smoke as much pot as I could afford. This has resulted in 2 DUIs and 15+ years of emotional baggage that has just piled up because I wasn't dealing with my emotions. But how could I?

Since the diagnosis the amount that I drink and smoke has varied dramatically. But in the recent weeks it has been consistently much lower. I don't miss the beer much but I do miss the pot. It alleviates the anxiety and depression if only for a couple of hours and aids greatly in reducing the symptoms of RLS which I take mirapex for. But the pot works better.

I'm writing this because I have very little hope for the future. I have begun seriously considering ending it permanently. I don't want to but my life is not getting better. I only feel the failures piling up. I want to talk to people and feel like they like me. I have always wanted to be married. I've only had one relationship that lasted for more than a few months. The one that did last longer was sham because we both knew it would end when she went to grad school in a different state. I'm pretty certain that she only stayed with me as long as she did because we lived together. She was constantly warning me that she didn't think relationships could last a lifetime. I never heeded these warnings, but persisted in my fantasy world hoping that she would have a change of heart. I regret this profoundly.

I'm 35 and I'm only starting to begin to understand that people say things that they don't mean. I've spent my entire life catering to other people's needs because my self confidence and esteem are way below the floor. I assume this is because I wasn't functioning normally during my teen years which, I understand, are difficult years anyway.

I am in therapy for about 15th time in 15 years. Up until four years ago, when I started grad school, I moved at least once a year. I had only kept one job for more than a year and I lost it when they laid off everyone in the area because of the stock market crash in 2000. I'm certain that the only way i've kept my current job as a teaching assistant is because they are in such need for bodies to stand in front of a class. My evaluations from students have been horrible. They hate me.

I have no one to talk to. I regularly go for days without talking to someone other than a cashier at the store or someone at work. No one understands how debilitating this disease is except professionals in medecine and psychology. And most of these people have no personal experience with it and are not readily accessible to talk to, not that they could do anything.

The girls that I have had dates with are fond of telling me that I have to learn to love myself before anyone else can properly love me or i can love anyone else. This is not true. Love is a learned behavior and so is loving one's self. If i've never seen anyone truly care about me how can I learn to truly care about me? If i am so wonderful why don't people stay in my life? it's because i have narcolepsy and have been in a daze for more than 20 years. wonderful.

Follow Ups:


Post a Followup

E-Mail  :  required - same address used when you registered (will not show up in posting)
Password:  required (sent to you when you registered)

Subject : Re: Feeling desperate

Comments:....note: including your email address here will result in the removal of your posting (See removal policy)

PLEASE ONLY CLICK THE SUBMIT FOLLOW UP BUTTON ONCE!!. Thanks, Sandman

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ Narcolepsy Forum28 ] [ FAQ ]

WWWBoard 2.0a and WWWAdmin 2.0a © 1997, All Rights Reserved.
Matt Wright